September 24, 2012

broken

photo-6
why in the world is it that after i go through a REALLY hard/trying season i act as though i'm just trying to catch my breath & get on with life? i move on from that "hard season" as though i never want to look back at it & move on to the joys ahead. I KNOW there will be more trials as well, but it feels as though (in the moment) that there will never be harder moments than what i just came through.

when a trying season comes to an end i should instead... rejoice in the goodness of my Father's sustaining grace & that He put those trials in my life to sanctify me & make me more like Him. i should worship Him for His goodness to me during that time & thank Him for the sin He removed from my life! 

i think of working out... I HATE WORKING OUT!!! when i'm in the moment i can think of nothing i could be doing that i hate more. i just hate it. but after i finish a workout i feel sooo good & i'm glad i chose to workout, but i also never want to do it again. ;) & if i remain faithful with it & workout day after day the results are good & lasting. so it is with seasons of trials... sanctification is not easy, but if we are faithful & cling to Him & work through those trials, by His grace... the results in us are good & lasting. we look so much "better" on the "other side". 

i'm just coming through a hard season (it only lasted about 5 days, but it felt like 5 months) with the boys. i was so short with them & so easily angered. i didn't want to be in the Word. i felt so lonely. i felt like i was drowning in despair! 

i wish i had eyes to see this in the middle of all that... but my God is soooooo faithful to me! He never left me once! He works ALL THINGS together for my good & His glory. even in my failings as a mommy this past week... HE WAS GLORIFIED! my sweet sweet husband encouraged me in being willing to be broken. just simply broken over my sin. (which i was, at the point when he was encouraging me.) i had been so stuck in & overwhelmed by my sin all week. & at the end of the week i finally came to a place of brokenness.

all of life, everything, is by His grace & sovereignty anyways. i have such high expectations for myself. at times i feel like there is no one that sins like i do. (it's not even that i think other people have these high expectations of me... its just what i hold myself to. but that's pride.) i struggle with why i'm not a better mommy & why i raise my voice at the boys & why i'm so lazy with teaching them the Word & being in the Word myself. but i can't do that by myself. i can't stick to any of that in my humanness. i need Him every moment! 

His strength is made perfect in my weakness. my weaknesses are just another way i worship Him because they show my dependency on Him. & i want our boys to see that mommy is not perfect & that i'm repentant & by His grace i'm striving to be better at loving them & loving Him. praise the Lord mommies & daddies aren't required to be perfect in order to be mommies & daddies. we just need to know how much we NEED HIM! oh i need Him!

Father, continue to show me how much i need You! & make me more like You!
"the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken & contrite heart,
o God, you will not despise." psalm 51:17
al

ps
the beautiful picture above & the one from this post were 
taken by this talented lady! more to come!

6 comments:

Erin said...

Found your blog by way of Cakies:) Thank you for sharing your story & faith in such a beautiful way. Adding this one to my reader!

justicepirate.com said...

May everything always be done for His glory, or it is worthless. I love your openness and willing to share how God has been working on your life. Amazing!
+Victoria+

Rubyellen said...

this resonates with me so deeply! xoxo

Pretty lady said...

just stumbled upon your blog, and my oh my, I'm in love!

allison barker said...

thank you new friends! glad you're here!

Holly said...

I just found your blog. This post really hit home with me. I feel like I could have written it because I have the same thoughts as a mommy (why did I raise my voice, why couldn't I have been more patient...) Sometimes I apologize to my son and tell him that mommy shouldn't have raised her voice or rushed him with what he was doing... (it's never very loud or awful or anything like that :) but still I always want to be very gentle and soft) and I am amazed at how quick my 4 year old is to say "that's ok mommy!!" he forgives so fast, so he has taught me some big things about life and he doesn't even know it. I pray everyday to be better (I have high expectations too) and even though I know compared to many people, I am so good, yet I still feel like a failure a lot. Why do we feel that way? I like your writing, it brings comfort to know that I am not alone. I'll be following. Thanks!

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