September 15, 2011

caroline eloise

four years ago today our sweet caroline was born into the arms of Jesus. 
this day, for the past four years, has been a hard day, but praise the Lord, it gets easier as the years pass. the crazy thing for me is that for 23 years of my life september 15th was just another day on the calendar. our God's plans are beyond us.
for those of you who don't know our story... michael & i got married in november of '06 & we both had "decided" we weren't going to have kids for quite a few years so we could "enjoy just being married", whatever that means. ;) well, the Lord saw fit to give us a baby girl.
this picture was taken right after we took the test & found out we were pregnant. (sorry it's so yellow & blurry.) i was pretty much freaking out. right after we took this picture i fell on our bed & cried for probably about an hour. haha. michael was so patient with me as i complained about not wanting to have a "mom's body" & wanting to enjoy life with just us, all very ridiculously selfish things. the Lord very quickly changed my heart. i'm grateful He gives mommies & daddies 9 months to prepare. ;)
in our cute little apartment (man i miss that place) at about 8 months along. i could not wait to be a mommy & hold our baby girl & sing to her. michael read to her while she was in my belly EVERY NIGHT, seriously! we were so ready! we believe the Lord led us to have a home birth & we had met with our midwives so many times, we had an ultrasound done & our girl looked so healthy. the pregnancy was great & her vital signs were perfect through all 9 months. 
i woke up on september 15th to early contractions. labor progressed quickly & our midwives came over. her heart rate was perfect through all 10 hours of labor. i pushed for a while & she was born except we had no idea in that moment that she was already looking into her heavenly Father's face. our Savior was holding her & yet we began to weep because we wanted to be holding her & we wanted to hear her cries. 
the midwives did all they could & we waited for the EMTs to come. our family met us at the hospital & we wept. i have never known such deep mourning. we were so saddened & broken. how could we go from not wanting to have a baby right away, then the Lord gave us one, & then He took her home? for days & weeks & months even i felt like i couldn't breathe. our arms were empty. 
i know these things to be true... my God is good! His purposes for us our beyond us, but they are good! He is sovereign, He allows hurt to happen for our refinement & for His glory! He is my Healer! i trust Him! i rejoice & find joy in Him! our sweet little girl is dancing before the throne & she never had to know the pain & sin & loss of this world! she is whole & in the only home she'll ever know! we don't weep for her loss, because she has not lost anything... we weep selfishly because we miss her, because we wanted to hold her & see her grow. if the Lord had not taken her home we would not have our jude & sammy. He has brought us the joy of 2 beautiful babies!
isn't she beautiful? she looks so much like jude & sammy. i cannot wait to hold her in heaven! she will be whole & perfected & we will worship our God together!
this is such a beautiful picture to me. (my mom passed away from brain cancer 7 months after we had caroline.) i love to think of them together. to think that when my mom went home caroline ran to her & said, "let me show you Jesus"! oh i miss both of them so much! 
earlier i was listening to a worship song that made me rejoice in our Father. 
"though He dwells beyond the stars, His redeemed are on His heart. even now He intercedes, Jesus cares for all our needs. hallelujah, hallelujah the King of love is on His throne. hallelujah hallelujah His grace will lead us safely home."
He is SO good! He is King! He is seated on His throne! NOTHING is out of His sight or His hands! we are on His heart! He intercedes for us! all things work together for our good! He is great & greatly to be praised! His greatness is unsearchable! 

michael & i have known the healing & mending of the Lord. He has been near to these 2 broken hearted parents. He is our joy. He is our peace! amen!
al

ps
if you or anyone you know has been through something like this i would love to hear about it & i would also love to be an encouragement if the Lord wills. also, please don't hesitate to ask michael & i questions about what we've been through. all glory to the Lord! 

14 comments:

MeltheWarrior said...

Al, I so wish I could have been there for you right after this happened. I spent the day weeping before God as soon as the news reached me. It amazes me that 4 years have already gone by since we lost our children. I hope you had a good day celebrating Caroline, looking forward to the wonderful day when you will see her again.

mrsceanderson said...

Allison, you and your sweet family are such an inspiration to me. I am amazed how God has used you and Mike to encourage others as they go through difficult times in their lives. I pray God helps you all through this precious day as you celebrate little Caroline and how she is in Heaven rejoicing with your mom our wonderful Lord and Savior!
In His Love,
Christina Mannon-Anderson

kmosny said...

You and Caroline are in my thoughts and heart today... You know I love you, my sweet friends.
Kim.

allison barker said...

only by the grace of God can i say... "yet i will praise Him!"

journeysofachurchplanterswife said...

this is beautiful Allison... i've always loved and admired your worshipping heart and they way in which you've responded to the pain of this world continues to reflect that you are a worshipper! i love you dear friend!!
Camryn

HeeWho said...

So wonderful for you to share this. What a beautiful tribute to your daughter and your mother. And your Father. Your courage and faith bring Him glory.

Cory said...

Allison,
My sister Camryn sent me the link to your blog. We have talked about you numerous times as my husband and I have walked through the loss of our son January 16th 2012. His name was Joshua Isaac Benson. Your story is so heartbreaking yet so full of encouragement and hope. As I read your words about your sweet daughter who is now with my precious son, my heart breaks for you from one mom to another who have known the deep sorrow of losing a child. But praise God for His peace and His joy amidst such deep pain! We have written much about Joshua, if you ever would like to read about his story. It's on my blog at ericcorybenson.wordpress.com
I am encouraged by what the Lord has done in your hearts through your loss and I know He's working in similar ways in my life. You are a blessing and your story is such a testimony of the Lord's love and healing power! God bless you and your husband.
With Love,
Cory Benson

Cory said...

http://ericcorybenson.wordpress.com

I may have sent you the wrong link so the one above is the correct one. Sorry about that.

Anastasia said...

This is absolutely amazing! God bless your family!

Jenny D. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
allison barker said...

our Father is soooo faithful to us!

Ann said...

My daughter is born on September 15th. I'm sorry for your loss but, it's comforting knowing she's with the Lord and doesn't have to suffer in this world.

Cassie Marshall said...

I am in tears, not just because your daughter was taken from you too early, but because I know she got to be with the Lord when she left you. The strength of your and your husband is SO amazing, it takes trusting in God so much to come out loving Him even more. I applaud your family.

allison barker said...

thank you! it was absolutely none of our own doing!!!! He sustained us & gave us much peace!

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